I was in emotionally and physically abusive relationships growing up. I had low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. My father died when I was 17 and he was the best male role model in my life. After that, all the guys I dated were pretty much a-holes. I started using drugs and alcohol at an early age to hide my feelings from being molested. I would get so drunk I would end up passing out. I didn't do hard drugs very often; it was mostly weed and occasionally meth, coke, mushrooms or acid. I preferred to get drunk.
I moved away when I was 21 and was in a toxic relationship for four years. I was mentally abused on a daily basis and I developed really bad OCD. I found a way out and started dating someone who was not abusive but was still fucked up; he was a drug addict. I too became drug addicted and found my love of meth. It fueled my eating disorder and made me really skinny. My friends and I would have contests to see how skinny we could get in a week and go without food and live on Pepsi. We would go out dancing all night. Don't get me wrong, I loved this time in my life hanging out at the Goth clubs. When I walked into a club I owned the place. I was that girl who got the club dancing. I owned the stage and that was where my crew and I danced. We were the ones everyone wanted to be like. We were the cool kids. The DJ played the music I requested and the club owners let me in for free. Me wait in line? Hell no! I was living in the fast lane. It was just a matter of time before I crashed. People always do.
Getting arrested and going to jail was my crash and burn. Attempting suicide was going to be my way out of this fucked up life I created for myself.
Well, I was unsuccessful at that. I can only thank my higher power for that.
Then I took the path of recovery. I still had a lot of issues after getting sober. I suffered for several more years with my anorexia. My life changed when I found running. It helped me figure out who I was and who I was supposed to be. I shifted from being that cool girl, in the club to the cool girl on the trail, who is positive and outgoing. My life’s mission is to inspire as many as I can through my story. Sure, I still have anxiety, depression, stress and OCD but I have learned how to cope with it.
In two more days I will run my 10th San Diego 100. I will be taking the old Catra with me, remembering that she made me who I am today. With out going through the Hell I went through, I would have never have learned to be #badass and #doepicshit! Remember where you came from!